"Come over here, boys, first time for free, find the red get a pat on the head, find the black, get nothing back!" cried a cheerful Negro in a "pork-pie" hat, who was standing behind a folding table nearby, setting down and picking up playing cards.
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Normally I'd find a picture of the clothing mentioned in the text and post it here but I think everybody knows what a pork-pie hat looks like (and if they don't, they certainly know how to use an online search engine). I used Google to take a look at pork-pie hats and now I know something I probably didn't want to know: hipsters love this thing, don't they? Is it because it goes well with old timey beards and waxed mustaches and hoping that looking dapper can compensate for your boring personality?
Another thing I learned is that Google reads "pork-pie hat" in the search bar and goes, "Oh? You wanted pictures of hats? I have lots and lots of them! I have fedoras and bowlers and straw boating hats and pork-pie hats too! Take your pick!"
At first I typed "Take your pic!" and I guess that would have worked as well.
This Negro is attempting to get the kids to engage in a little Three-card Monte. As we are all Internet denizens here, we all know that this is a game in which it is impossible to win. It's a scam. It's a cheat. It's America at its best! The dealer puts three cards face down and mixes them up. The bettor needs to find the red card, usually the queen of hearts, to win. But the bettor can never find that card due to sleight-of-hand or other shenanigans. And if the bettor somehow accidentally finds the right card, the dealer will employ some other method of cheating, like running away really fast or blackjacking the bettor in the face. It's one of the universe's most stringent and natural of laws: the house always wins.
"find the red get a pat on the head"
I mean, I'd hope that I'd get something better! Like a couple of bucks or something. How about this come along, sir: "Find the black, get nothing back! Find the red, get a dollar instead!" Pretty good, right?! I think I might be a natural at this game!
"cheerful Negro in a "pork-pie" hat"
I bet he had a toothpick between his lips too! And I bet he was handsome! And he probably winked a few times too in a really jolly and charismatic way! Man, I'd play some Three-card Monte with this fellow!
My friend Sal whom I met in elementary school once observed a guy doing Three-card Monte while we were out roaming around somewhere as teenagers. He was really watching the guy and telling us, "Dudes. I can totally beat that guy. I know where the red card is every time!" And we were all, "Sal. It's a scam. You won't win." And he was all, "No, no. I've got this! I can totally beat him!" And then Sal lost like ten bucks and we were all, "See, you stupid idiot!"
I told you that story to tell you this one: Sal is now a huge Fox News viewer.
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