"Ah, I understand," murmured the imperial scapegrace.
* * * * * * * * * *
"scapegrace"
"A mischievous or wayward person, especially a young person or child; a rascal." "Mischievous" is being kind. "Wayward," definitely. "A young person or child," no . . . but, as I kept pointing out, outrageously immature. "Racist," yes, but that wasn't part of the definition.
"Hopelessly insane," he announced, waving a thumb F.F.'s way, "escaped in his time from some of the fanciest bughouses of Europe, very little remaining of the brains he was born with, except possibly," lowering his voice, "how much money you bring with you, there, Highness?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Whenever a white guy displays terrible social skills or goes on dangerous rants or just makes a complete and utter ass of himself, he's always got a Get Out of Jail Free card (that he doesn't even have to play; it just gets played for him by all the other white guys defending him): mental illness! But God forbid you're a Black American who once got caught shoplifting when you were eight years old because that shit will be with you for the rest of your life to prove what a burden you were on society, and it'll be used to justify any violence perpetrated on you by some GD cop.
And, of course, if the "This guy is crazy!" bit doesn't get Franz out of trouble, there's always the second option for rich folk, which Lew partakes in here: buy your way out of trouble! If you're a rich white guy, the only time you're going to pay for your crimes is if you might implicate other rich white guys. And then you won't see justice in the courts; you'll be swinging from your jail cell.
Lew, supposed to be disciplined in the ways of the East, would not allow himself the luxury of panic, but at times, like now, could've used maybe a homeopathic dose, just to keep his immunity up.
* * * * * * * * * *
What would a homeopathic dose of Eastern philosophy look like? Just kidding! It would look like every other homeopathic dose: non-existent except for whatever the imbiber decides to imagine. I imagine a homeopathic dose of Eastern philosophy would feel like the fluttering of a moth's wings. It would cause you to take a deep and steady breath and raise one hand up to your chest, flat, palm facing the opposite side of your body. Then you'd exhale slowly and crane kick some motherfucker in the face.
Should I be apologetic that my only knowledge of Eastern philosophy comes from The Karate Kid, both the original and the sequel?
Actually, that's not true. It's a dumb joke. I also learned all about Taoism from Steinbeck's Tortilla Flats. And I probably learned a bunch about the I Ching from reading nearly every Philip K. Dick book but in a way where I didn't realize I was learning about it at all. Kind of like a homeopathic dose of the I Ching, I suppose.
When was Lew disciplined in the ways of the East? Was this part of his training while gaining redemption with Drave and his cult? Hopefully it wasn't something that was mentioned previously or else I'm in serious trouble reading Against the Day one line at a time. I can't be 48 pages into it and already forgetting things I've read!
Is it racist to assume that people born in the Eastern part of the world are always calm and collected? Isn't that Orientalism? Was Mr. Miyagi a racist stereotype or just a terrific character? I enjoyed how angry he would get at the stupid teenagers when he was named Arnold and ran a malt shop.
I've never been disciplined in the ways of the East but I still rarely panic. I've just got a naturally Taoist attitude. It's probably part nature and part growing up on the beaches of California nurture. Sort of the Jeff Spicoli version of Taoism.
"It is all right! I know how to talk to these people! I have studied their culture! Listen—'st los, Hund? Boogie-boogie, ja?"
* * * * * * * * * *
This sounds more racist than it actually is (which is very racist). But I think Archduke is saying, in his attempt at Black American vernacular (again, quite a racist attempt. I'm not defending this jerk! We established he was a racist monster a few pages ago. This is just racist icing on his racist cake), "How is going, dog? Are you dancing?"
I mean, maybe I'm wrong about the translation of "boogie-boogie, ja" to "Are you dancing?" He might simply be voicing gibberish in his attempt to mimic some tribal language.
I mean, what am I even doing?! Discussing the degrees of racism of the Archduke Ferdinand? A man who, by the way, is a known racist monster and 19th century hipster, according to all of the historical documents I've read on him (this one. Against the Day. It's the only one I've read. And, again, I know it's historical fiction. But it's Pynchon which means anything he says must be proven untrue after I've already accepted it as fact. Which means I probably won't be convinced. It's how human logic works. He got to me first so I'm more apt to believe him than some Johnny-Come-Lately supposedly trumpeting the truth. I'm sorry. It's just the rules of American rationalization).
"Um, Your Royal Highness?" Lew murmured, "if we could just have a word—"
* * * * * * * * * *
It's Lew's job to protect the Archduke so I get why he's trying to calm the situation. But if this were a friend of mine (and he wouldn't be a friend of mine after this, I assure you), I would just sit back and chalk this beating up to "He deserved it." When people say they have somebody's back no matter what, it usually means they value loyalty over justice. Fuck that. Loyalty is like faith: its worth is only in how people can use it to control other people.
"Whatchyou doin, you fool, you can get y'ass killed talking like that, what are you, from England or some shit?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Even though the Archduke is purposefully trying to anger this man by insulting him in the most immature and hostile way, he still realizes, as I noted before I knew he would actually think this way, this guy is a foreigner and, first and foremost, tries to help him out. "You can't act like that in America, buddy." I mean, people can and still do. But we all know they're assholes. And while they probably won't get killed for it, it's likely they'll kill somebody because they feel threatened by anybody not like them and our country has decided that stupid ideals like killing somebody you think was threatening before they kill you is some kind of defense. Actually, it's the perfect defense because the defender is dead and can't defend themselves so I sort of see why the worst assholes in America are for that kind of law. If they assault somebody, they have to face them in court and the jury might be sympathetic to the victim's story. But if they kill that person, they completely control the narrative! And when you're spewing that narrative to a bunch of racist assholes, it's pretty easy to get away with murdering the right people in America. Especially if you're a dumb jerk violent cop.
"Something about . . . your . . . wait . . . deine Mutti, as you would say, your . . . your mama, she plays third base for the Chicago White Stockings, nicht wahr?" as customers begin tentatively to move toward the egresses, "a quite unappealing woman, indeed she is so fat, that to get from her tits to her ass, one has to take the 'El'! Tried once to get into the Exposition, they say, no, no, lady, this is the World's Fair, not the World's Ugly!"
* * * * * * * * * *
How'd Archduke Ferdinand become familiar with the game of dozens? He pulls some pretty standard dozens insults here: your mom has a masculine job, your mom is fat, your mom is ugly.
I never understood that this sort of adolescent behavior was a contest so I always lost because I'd walk away upset after being insulted. Here are a few that were used on me in junior high school:
"Your mother wears combat boots." (Pretty standard in the era in which I grew up. I don't think it was just a local Bay Area traditional dozens move to indicate your mom was a lesbian. But maybe?)
"Your sister jerked me off in the bushes behind the school." (This one was too specific to be a random insult and maybe it was just some kid my sister jerked off catching me up on some local facts.)
"How many skinny people can fit in a shower? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain." (No, wait. That was a Garfield strip.)
"Your cousin Jason is the son I never had." (I don't know why my mother wanted to play the dozens with me but it kind of hurt.)
Normally, a game of dozens takes place between two people who understand that they're engaging in some mutual ball busting. What Archduke Ferdinand is doing here isn't really a game of dozens. It's being a racist asshole. He's being the guy at the bar who purposefully bumps into other guys so that when they mouth off, he feels he has an excuse to beat their ass. Archduke is just looking for an excuse to kill somebody, and he's doing it among the local Black population because the Chicago police probably won't give a shit.
