Chapter 1: Section 4: Page 27: Line 37 (409)

Dally, intrigued, ran over and stood in front of him, peering up, as if waiting for the next part of some elaborate joke.

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 Even a five year old thinks Lindsay must be putting on the act of a silly man, spewing his stick-up-the-butt nonsense to whoever is trying desperately not to listen. Dally is my kind of human being. She would have understood my hyperbolic anger used for comic effect in my comic book blog. Oh, sure, at first I was pretty earnest! Some readers (who I must have eventually disappointed) loved the blog because it was so free of cynicism and snark. Because I wanted to love DC's The New 52. I wanted it to mean something! I wanted the change to have been thought out. I wanted drama and stories that were telling some kind of coherent story within their new universe. I thought there would be monumental changes! Exciting new avenues to explore in the stale and old personalities that couldn't be changed due to years of continuity! But eventually I realized it was all a sham and DC had hired some of the worst writers for their project and even the editors didn't give a damn. It broke me! It was the last time I was eager and earnest and full of wonder at what the world could offer! But it didn't give me what I expected. It gave me a pie in the face and an atomic wedgie. So of course I got angry! Of course I got cynical! Any sane person would have done the same! But, as Dally would have realized, I was never really angry. My life wasn't so invested in DC Comics that I was giving myself three strokes a week reading Lobdell and Nocenti comics.

One time, Marcus To discovered one of my Batwing reviews where I drilled him a new asshole due to his cover. In his post about how he'd never had a negative review like that, he mentioned how one of his friends thought it was funny in how angry I was. Yes! That was the point, Marcus To's friend! And here's how I ended that review, by the way:

"Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?"

But really, I can't blame anybody who thought my blog was reviewing comic books seriously. At some point in the 2000s, people forgot that the Internet was meant for fun and whimsy. Now everybody thinks everything is an argument. Being facetious on the Internet is almost a high crime these days! And I'm not talking about being facetious about things like race or gender; I usually treat that stuff seriously because, as Kurt Vonnegut writes in Mother Night, "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend." I don't mind being a super angry super fan of comic books (which I'm not; I really am just pretending at that! Stupid Vonnegut! Take it back!) but I won't participate in racism or sexism by pretending to be a Nazi asshole! Who thinks that's funny?! No, what I'm talking about is going on a huge rant about how terrible Superboy might be in a comic that's written terribly by a terrible writer only to have huge Superboy stans constantly yell at me for criticizing their fictional love boy!

Um, you know what, never mind this entry! I'll get back to Against the Day in the next post!

Chapter 1: Section 1: Page 3: Line 1

 Now single up all lines!"

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This is it. The stupid first line of this stupid book that made my brain vomit-scream the idea "You should do a blog where you just write about each individual line of the book!" as I was trying to stop repeatedly playing the old Animaniacs theme song in my head in an effort to remember the lyrics they changed in the new Hulu series. I guess the vacuum that was created sucked in this other terrible thought because my brain has no respect for the amount of time I have to do all the things I already want to do every day. My brain apparently thinks I'm a lazy piece of excrement that needs more projects that I'll never finish not because I abandon them but because the "never finishing" bit is a feature. Here are a few projects I've given myself over the years that I knew I would never be able to finish as soon as I created them:

An online comic based on both Dungeons & Dragons and The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo called Dwarflover. Admittedly, this project has a terminus built into it: the capture of all thirteen ghosts. But the execution was purposefully expansive to give me too much to write about. Eventually the Photoshopping took its toll on me and the project was abandoned after two ghosts (Freddy Kreuger and Acererak) were captured after finishing one dungeon (The Tomb of Horrors). I had the theme and plot of the next dungeon (Dungeonland) figured out in my head with the first chapter written and the second and third chapter basically plotted out in my head. Maybe I'll return to this when I retire.

Reading every holy book (including Dianetics because, I mean, right?) as an areligious person who is mostly unfamiliar with the dogma of the religion and trying to interpret the text as literally as possible. This project was a lot of fun but ultimately abandoned (maybe until I retire from retirement?) after writing 335 pages on the first 45 pages of Genesis. This might still be my favorite project I ever abandoned. It was written in the style of a study guide and included sections like Science vs Faith, Drawing Time, Historical Facts, and Know Thy Enemy. The science versus faith section was always based on some theme in that particular section of The Bible (the subject of the last section I wrote about Joseph in Egypt was "Magicians") and a good amount of the historical facts were actually facts about the television show Lost (this was because I often confused Abram with J.J. Abrams). One entire section was just the first episode of the old Star Trek series inserted and discussed as if it were a chapter of The Bible. It used to be on the Internet (and still might be archived in weird Way Back Machines managed by top hat wearing cows) but I took it down when I thought, "This could be my first book!"

A blog discussing every book DC comics published when they flushed their entire universe and began The New 52. This was just the culmination of a dream I had when I was 12 where I thought, "Wouldn't it be great to be able to buy every single comic DC publishes so I can keep up on the entire story of all their characters?!" The answer turned out to be "No, it's not great. Not at all. Especially when they picked up all of Marvel's worst writers for the project."

Places & Predators, a roleplaying game based on The Game of Life. Technically this isn't exactly a project with "never being able to finish" baked in. I could have completed the basic game and then the "never finished" part would be continually writing modules and building the world. But seeing as how the "never being able to finish" is just a part of my DNA, I kept rewriting the rules. Over and over and over. Ultimately I did put out a finished project based on Cribbage and not The Game of Life. But I did add a character class, Cult Member, and a cult within that class who believe the world they're living in is a pale imitation of the actual world and that world is the original game I created. So I can still force all of my work back into this game! Also, the new game based on cribbage is also just based on the original world so it's not like I've thrown out all the writing I did. It's all still viable! This project actually exists in the real world and you can buy a copy of the basic rules with a starter module on Amazon Kindle!

Can I include "reading Burton's translation of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night" as a project since I've been reading that three volume monster for over ten years now? No, probably not.

I guess none of that was about this line from Against the Day, was it?

If the first line wasn't Pynchon telling the reader to pay attention to every individual line then I'm wasting my time. Because if every line of Pynchon's text is simply plot related then Pynchon isn't as interesting as I first thought. Also, I would have to learn about singling up lines and whatever that means. I know it has to do with launching a ship (an airship in this case!) but it's easier to jump straight to the possible subtext because that's all speculation that takes place in my head! Learning about the actual meaning of "singling up a line" means having to do outside reading. And who wants to read?! I'm a Writer not a Reader!

Oh, the other reason I decided to do this blog is because I've been complaining recently about my old college Children's Lit professor in my Gravity's Rainbow discussion over on my other blog and how she always tried to get us to write entire essays based on one line from the text. And she was insistent on keeping it out of context of the rest of the novel as much as we could! What was she, crazy?! How do you even do that?! I have no idea because she always marked me down for going too wide on my discussions and not focusing in enough. Maybe I'll finally learn how to do it on this blog!

I will, however, be writing a lot about me because that's all a sociopathic narcissist really knows about.